Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Insane ramblings from insane-ville

Why stop now eh?
I'm on vacation.  1st one in 4 or 5 yrs.  Not the south of France, but it sure is a nice change from the castle on the dirt road that I currently call my bunker. 
I just said goodbye to my oldest (married) child and sent her on her way on life's adventure highway which for now will end in London.  England. 
Lots of emotions on this one, not the least of which is a sense of relief that she is getting the hell out of NYC, which isnt fit for man nor beast to live properly and sanely, IMO.   As I drove her to her bus we talked about similar goodbyes we've had in the past, and how this one ranks with them.  Maybe its age, maybe its from having the mental shit kicked out of my head for the past few yrs., I dunno.   This one, as seemingly permanent and distancing as it seems, wasn't as hard as the time I drove her to her new home with her mother half a state away.  Had to stop the car a few times to regain my vision on that trip.  
I told her the good news is, you ARE going to be across a pretty big ocean from your mother.   So there's that. 
The greatest sense of loss I felt this morning, was for her siblings, who while not having seen her much since she got all grown up and moved to the big city and all, they still weren't an ocean away.   And the very positive very feminine impact she had (especially on her sisters, will be very missed indeed. 
Of course there was talk of visiting and such, but good bye does mean goodbye, even if it isn't totally permanent, and unless you are hanging up on an Ex, it usually is acompanied by a bit of a sting. 

And so it goes.   Vacation continues with the other kids, even on a gray drizzly day by the lake.  

A good day to sit and ramble.
And reflect.

And be sad.

Its good to know I'm not totally dead inside, even if its cuz I feel such loss.