Sunday, 23 August 2009

I grew up poor

and have been ever since.
So my daughter (10) went to Barnes and Noble with a friend and her friend's mom yesterday.
My daughter, (who is in some ways like me in her resourcefulness), gets to the checkout with the book she wanted, but (also like me) without the necessary cash to finance her desires.......produces a 4 dollar winning lottery ticket to make up for the cash differential.
Her friends mom, after the fact, and in private, laughed about it, as did my wife.
My reaction was a little different, having known and lived the "tough life".
I felt bad for her, and understood how difficult it was for her when she was told that "that ticket wont work here................".
It was all she had, and all she had to offer.
Luckily(?) for her, her friend's mom was (is) a kind hearted sort, and she covered the difference, and my daughter was able (and willing) to "work off" the difference.
A win win for everyone.
Except for "that feeling".

I know "that feeling".
I remember my mom paying for food with foodstamps, and I remember answering the questions from schoolmates "whats your dad do for a living?"
Not a good feeling.

So what IS poor, anyways?
It has little to do with money, that much I know, but it also has everything to do with money, that much I know also.
I've been told by more than a few people, that "you have it all".
Then why do I feel so dammed inadequate?
Why do I, when I describe myself and what I do, feel like a second class citizen?

Is it because I believe I can do more?
Not necessarily make more, but DO more.

I believe I can.
Always have.

Its easier to believe, than it is to DO, that much I know.
But still this "feeling" exists.
Always has.
Having read enough biographies and stories about "successful" people who have followed their dreams (in themselves) and who have done what their heart told them is their destiny, I understand this road is not easy, nor guaranteed. And that most successful people have had experts tell them that they (the dream holders) are as wrong as wrong gets, in their dreams and beliefs.
So much for experts.
All I have to go on, is this belief.
This "feeling".
More than a feeling really. Much more.

Its an all encompassing belief, a consuming, unquenchable, illogical knowledge that there IS more, and that there WILL be more, to this existance. Specifically, mine, as selfish as that sounds. (what, a site about what I feel and think isnt selfish enough!?!?)

Its always been there.

Always, but moreso now.

I believe I'm poor, because I'm not doing what I was born to do, whateverthehell that is, yet.

Poor is a sate of mind, but also a state of being.
Not a "woe is me" thing, but rather a "what the hell?" thing.

I've driven up to work THOUSANDS of times, and repeated the sesame street song "one of these people doesnt belong here......." on at least half of them.

No, really, I physically and out loud, sang that song as I drive up to work.

So I'm not "there" yet, but maybe neither are you.
Thats ok, because its all about the journey, right?


Lets hope so.

Its all I got at this point.

See you at work tomorrow.

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